SENT: Sep 1 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:In Praise of Dog Fighting
Dear Dog Lovers,
Now that Michael Vick and crew have been convicted of dog-fighting and you have stopped crying-out-your eye-sockets listen up: you’re all blithering idiots. What you call “best-friend” the Vicks call fighters, the blind call servants and the Indo-Chinese call brunch. It’s all a matter of perspective and compared to the other abusers, Michael Vick and posse are heroes.
Humans have been using animals for millennia. Dogs were some of the first animals to be domesticated. Put another way: the first to be bred and used solely for human purposes. Sheep were domesticated for their warm wool and tasty flesh. Dogs, less for food as some other beneficial traits like hunting prowess. When will all you bleeding-hearts realize that the entire reason most animals are alive today is their beneficial service to humans? Cows’ and pigs’ main purpose is to convert inedible grass, shoots and other garden-grown garbage into beautiful slabs of filet mignon and tenderloin. Those that don’t qualify might still make pretty good coats, shoes and wallets. Little is wasted and the animals should be grateful for it. During their short but obese lives, they are fed, cared for, and allowed to get frisky. This is more than I can say for some humans whose main purpose is to stitch our soccer balls but I digress.
So let’s re-examine dog-fighting. What a glorious way to live and die! These powerful canines are deified by the men who breed and train them. Put yourself in the dogs’ position. What would you rather have, a stumbling owner who needs you to lead him safely through an intersection? A responsibility to sniff 10,000 suitcases looking for a dime bag? What of your misery if you knew that you were about to be picked apart by chopsticks? Now imagine leading a glorious life and meeting a glorious end! You could be a professional athlete! A fighter! A GLADIATOR! We who are about to die, woof woof you!
It’s time to not only repeal the ridiculous dog-fighting bans but also make them as family-friendly as bullfighting in Spain or Ultimate Fighting in Nevada. Dogs should be bred in climate-controlled laboratories instead of the back yards of Compton. The government should regulate canine boxers just as they do human ones. They should invent fighting styles and offer training to civilian dogs. “Doggie-style” will never mean the same thing again. The best dogs will have SPONSERS! Rex drinks Red Bull with his Purina. Killer likes a shot of Kettle One before his walk. Fang prefers the Burberry leash. According to appma.org, the pet industry will ring up US$40.8 Billion in 2007 and is growing at an average clip of US$2 bn/yr. If dog-fighting were promoted, that number could be 10x. And who can forget about the gambling? As days at the kennel crowd out days at the track, I bet that every state that taxed the winnings could balance their budgets and finally give a breather to all the cigarette companies on whose backs they have been riding all these thankless years.
Love & Muzzle-Tovs,